Imagine being a child experiencing sexual abuse by someone from your church. Maybe even while you are at church. You’ve told people in your own, scared way, what is happening to you. No one seems to understand. Maybe it’s something they can’t bring themselves to think about – the possibility of such a thing happening at their church.
Church Mutual Insurance Company estimates that it often takes seven times for a child to disclose abuse before that allegation is investigated. Church Mutual published a blog earlier this year highlighting the importance of learning steps in the process predators commonly use to “groom” children and young people (we’ll discuss that term later). We must be proactive to protect children from being victimized. Let’s go over those steps and add some crucial information I believe they overlooked.
Predators look for avenues of access to their potential victims
It’s so easy to believe that anyone who is motivated to work with kids is motivated by love and a true servant’s heart. I wish that were true. We have to be on the lookout for anyone who is a bit too interested in working with children. If a volunteer is too helpful, too available, and too eager to always do more, dig a bit deeper. Are they giving children in your ministry gifts? Are they connected with them outside a ministry setting on or offline? These aren’t always signs of Godly affection – they are the blazing red flags of a predator.
Predators sort through the “herd” and set sights on the victims who seem like easy prey
Church Mutual says that predators look for kids who are unconnected, on the fringe or in need. I agree. They search out a person to follow or trust. That applies more to older children, but it’s a good warning. This next red flag is where Church Mutual and I disagree. They wrote that a predator would target children from a single-parent home. While that is often true, it gives dual-parent families a false sense of security. In his excellent book, “The Devil Inside: How my Minister Father Molested Kids in Our Home and Church for Decades and How I Finally Stopped Him”, Pastor Jimmy Hinton reveals that his father saw what we call “grooming” as “testing”. He tested kids’ parents as much as he did children. He wanted to see who kept a sharp eye on their kids and who was automatically trusting.
Predators work slowly, moving from accidental touches to much worse
Child sexual predators play the long game. What starts as a hand on the shoulder progresses steadily to sexual touching. Victims are told so many lies like “everyone does this sort of thing, so don’t be so uncool by acting afraid” or “We were just wrestling around. I wouldn’t touch you like that”. They use coarse and inappropriate language to desensitize their prey to how very wrong what they are doing is. That makes the introduction to porn and asking for inappropriate pictures to be taken not seem like a big deal. The child is now so in over their heads that they don’t know what to do about this person the adults in their lives seem to respect and trust.
Predators are extremely skilled at ensuring their victim’s silence
If I could keep one sentence from ever being spoken about any abuse victim it would be this: Why didn’t they just tell someone? Imagine yourself as a child again. You’ve been told by your abuser things like, “This is what people who care about each other do, but people wouldn’t understand so we will make this our secret.” “I thought because you didn’t say anything that you liked this. If anyone finds out, that’s what they will think, too.” “If you tell, I will hurt your pet.” Something Church Mutual did not mention but is very prevalent in faith-based abuse is the attempt to “sanctify” the abuse by the abuser. “God revealed to me that this is His plan for us”. If you think that is far-fetched, let me introduce you to some of the victims I’ve spoken with as a retired private investigator and a podcast host.
Let’s imagine being a child once more, only this time you have been protected. You won’t face the life-long struggles most victims of childhood sexual abuse face. Struggles such as difficulty with physical intimacy, trust, and self-esteem. You’ll be statistically less likely to attempt suicide. You’ll be less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol because you won’t be self-medicating to try to forget what was done to you.
But just knowing the steps predators typically go through is not enough. Churches must take action. Here are 3 no-cost ways you can help prevent abuse at your church immediately.
- Talk About It
We can no longer tolerate the idea that “that wouldn’t happen here”. It’s a tough topic to discuss, but we simply have to because it can happen in any church. Remember, predators look for a culture that will trust them no matter what.
- Require potential volunteers to fill out a written application
Ask questions about their work and criminal background as well as where they have volunteered in the past. Ask for references and let them know you will be calling and verifying the information they’ve given you. The fact that they see how serious you are about children’s safety can be a powerful deterrent.
- Adopt a Waiting Period
It’s not unreasonable to require that new volunteers attend your church regularly for six months before they work directly with children. Most predators want to begin their grooming process as soon as they can. A waiting period may make them think that your church won’t be a worthwhile hunting ground.
For anyone who is still struggling to imagine bringing up this topic at your church, let’s look to God’s Word for guidance.
Ephesians 5:11-14a NLT
Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible.
Darkness never leaves on its own. It only disappears when exposed to light. If we aren’t shining our lights into the ugly corners we’d rather not look at, darkness will keep its tentacles wrapped around the very people we are called to protect.
About the author
Lori Morrison sits on the Worship Facility Advisory Board and is a church Safety Advocate. She is a member of her church’s security team, a retired private investigator, and a former church staffer. Her training guide, “Reclaiming Sanctuary: Enhancing Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Safety in Our Churches,” helps church leaders adopt a new mindset, build a customized strategy, and launch a sustainable plan for the protection of their flock. You can grab your copy on Amazon here.
